The Cost of Forgiveness

There are things I did in my youth which still make me blush with shame. Things that were cruel and uncaring, deceitful ... just plain sinful. The thought that my parents might find out about those things has always made me shift with unease, afraid of the disappointment I would cause them, fearful of their judgment.

Odd that I can confess those things to God without that same fear. God – the holy one – the creator, the Almighty. Why do I not fear the same look of disappointment from him? Why do I not fear his judgment?

I hate to admit it but the reason I don’t fear his look of disappointment is because I don’t know him as well as I know my parents. I can try to imagine his look of disappointment, but not really knowing how his face looks, I find that stretches my imagination a bit too far. I can try to work up in myself a sense of how awful such a look would be, but actually, I can’t do it. I’m left asking him to show me the truth of this one – what does his disappointment look like?

I am not a masochist, but I do want to have a proper sense of shame for the sins of my youth – shame before the Almighty God.

And then the judgment. Why do I not fear his judgment? Not because he doesn’t judge – he is a holy and righteous God who cannot abide sin. No. I don’t fear his judgment because his judgment on my sin has already fallen – and been paid – by Jesus. My Saviour.

I am asking Him to help me really appreciate what that looks like. 

Again, I am not a masochist. But I do want to be filled with the overwhelming gratitude which is the only right response to the incredible sacrifice Jesus made for me. 

I fear I take it all too lightly and matter-of-factly. This Lent, o Lord, may I learn to better appreciate what the price of my sin was to you.

I don’t mean to imply by these thoughts that I consider my sin to be all in the past. I know that daily I continue to disappoint and sin, in thought, word and deed. Help me, O Lord, to grow more like Jesus every day, cleansed of the sin that clogs and stains, filled with the Spirit who liberates and transforms.