Flexibility

 

Some of you aren’t getting your lumbar spines to articulate, the Pilates teacher said. Michele, she added, giving me a ball to squash with my torso as I tried again rolling backwards.

She made it look so easy. I kind of thought I was doing it. Obviously, I wasn’t.

To see ourselves as others see us. It is so easy to see the shortfall in others without being aware of those in ourselves.

I spent a poignant couple of hours last night reading through the cards and notes I received over thirty years ago when my sister died. I loved remembering the close relationship we enjoyed, and reading in so many cards the comments on that close relationship.

Then I found some pages ripped out of a reporter’s notebook, on which I’d scribbled my thoughts and what I heard from God as I looked at a section of the Bible a few days before she died. Some dear friends had taken our children for the day to give me space just to be alone with God in my sorrow as I saw the way things were going with Judy.

A week before she died, I wrote:

‘Two insights have been given to me today:

1)     That because the Lord loves me unconditionally, and because the love I feel for him is a gift from Him (ie I love Him with His love – circular), then my love for Him, if it is truly from Him, is likewise unconditional, ie, I love Him for who He is, not for what He does. Because I love Him, I trust Him, and don’t rest my faith on His performance for me, but on who He is. Healing or not, I love Him. Freely, not backed into a corner.

2)     While my specific prayers, unanswered, leave me feeling open and vulnerable and wary of praying so specifically again, how much more vulnerable is the Lord Himself when He, in His wisdom, doesn’t respond in the way expected. He is then open to my anger, distrust, disbelief in His goodness. From His point of view, how crushing, especially when He has the power to ‘win votes’, to heal and answer prayer. But his wisdom rules out it being so easy to tap Him like a water faucet for answers to prayers. But if He can be vulnerable, so can I. If He can take rejection, so can I. Lord, I praise you for these insights.

Tough love. It deepens my awe and respect, knowing how torn apart You are at Judy’s suffering, yet steadfast in your purposes. You bleed again for her. Lord, bless you. I love you with all my heart. I don’t need to understand, just love and trust. With your help, I do. Amen. ‘

Sometimes my spiritual spine doesn’t articulate very well: I remain stiff and unbending even in the Lord’s warm embrace. I am so grateful that He is the gentle teacher, never writing me off as hopeless, but giving me honest and gentle correction, along with props – often in the form of wise believing friends – to help my spiritual flexibility.

I hope this makes sense to someone else. It makes sense to me.