Joy

Joy. One of those elusive states of being which can’t really be whipped up.  It is so easily drained by stress or responsibilities. Scripture says that the joy of the Lord is your strength. So how do we recapture it when it has evaporated?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently, and praying that God will renew the joy in my heart. Give me joy in my lamp – remember that old chorus from the 70s? Well, it’s on a loop in my brain at the moment, close to becoming some sort of mantra.

It’s not that I’m miserable or anything, but I’m aware that that inner buoyancy and spark has been dormant recently and irritation rises too easily within me. On our walk this morning, I think I finally identified the source of the leak, and I know that I need God to plug that leak and restore to me the joy of my salvation, because I don’t feel able to plug it myself.

It’s the sense of responsibility for my mother, who is on her own after Dad’s death last December, living six thousand miles away from me. I skype her landline daily, conscious that I need to be able to pick up any signals of need or weakness. It’s hard when I can’t put my eyes on her and assess her abilities myself – Mhairi would of course tell me if there were reason for alarm, but I don’t want to burden her.  

I want to let go of what I can’t do, and trust God. Came back from our walk and Don and I did our reading, which today was Psalm 25. How appropriate, as if it were written by me in some parts. ‘My hope is in you all day long.’ ‘In you I trust.’ ‘Good and upright is the Lord.’ ‘All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful.’ And finally, ‘The Lord confides in those who fear him.’ ‘My eyes are ever on the Lord for he will release my feet from the snare.’

That’s it. He will release my anxiety and sense that it all depends on me and my insight if and when Mom needs help. It doesn’t depend on me. He will confide in me. He will look out for her. 

My hope is in him, to plant this deep in my heart, plug the joy-leak, and revive me again. And watch over Mom.